littleprincessj
11-15-04, 08:26 PM
[color=orange][font=Optima]*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick had always been a heavy sleeper, attuned to sleep through anything bar the sound of a ringing phone. Jessica had long since given up on asking 'Nick are you awake' in an ever increasing tone because he never was. Unfortunately for him, there was now a miniature person whose cries in the middle of the night to Nick's tired brain sounded exactly like the phone. He's lost count of the number of times he's jumped awake and lunged for the phone mumbling 'what?' only to hear Jessica giggle and say 'it's the baby.' She finds it hilarious. He feels it's another one of life's attempts to annoy him.
Tonight the baby has been restless. Nick's barely been further than the edge of sleep so far, so he's well aware of what, or who as the case really is, has woken him again. "He's due for a feed anyway" he hears Jessica tiredly mumble and he relaxes thinking that should keep the baby quiet so he can get at least a 20 minute nap. When Nick awakes again it is to a silent room and light creeping through the blinds. Day is breaking and he's all alone. If he listens intently he can just hear the mewling of his still cranky son. Dragging himself out of bed he goes in search of his family.
He finds Jessica pacing, swaying and patting. He can hear her soft voice cooing to the baby above his constant cries. Her frustration evident in the pleading words if not the tone. She's circling the room and hasn't heard his entrance. When she spies him in the doorway her face is as miserable as their child sounds. Tears of desperation and frustration well in Jessica's eyes, "He just won't settle" she says in a shaky voice.
Nick, pajama bottoms hung low, patters over to them and takes the baby from her, cradling him against the warmth of his bare chest. His neck and shoulder are met with a sudden rush of drool and mucus and his eardrum feels pierced from the cries of his boy. "Go to bed" he whispers brushing his lips across her forehead. The fact she immediately acquiesces is an indicator of just how worn out Jessica is. She leaves him with no instructions, no suggestions, just a resigned nod of her head and a weary disheartened walk away.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Jessica wakes to the feel of lips pressed against hers. She smiles against them. They taste good, a hint of the coffee she's still not allowed and minty fresh breath. She opens her eyes and sees Nick fully dressed and ready for work. She looks at the clock and realizes she's been asleep four whole hours. She doesn't remember the last time that happened. Sitting up she can see her son sleeping peacefully in his cot and looks at Nick confused. "He hasn't woken for his feeding?"
"He did, it's done and he's out like a light again."
Jessica looks at her chest and back at Nick thinking I'm sure I'd remember that happening. He laughs at her confused expression. "I used some of the pumped milk. You needed a break Jess" he says "And hey I couldn't let your 3 hour lecture on the correct way to thaw frozen breast milk go to waste now could I?"
Oh yeah she thinks laughing at herself as all the pieces begin to fit into place. "Did he sleep at all for you earlier?" She asks surprised Nick looks so fresh when she'd felt so frazzled.
"Yeah he dropped off about 20 minutes after the changing of the guard." Nick sits down on the edge of the bed and plays with her hand.
"He did?" Jessica asks with a hint of disappointment in her tone. She'd tried everything to no avail and then along comes Nick and problems solved. It's not the first time that's happened either. Parenthood sure can be an ego destroyer. "How did you do it?"
"I practiced my closing on him."
Jessica laughs then whispers "oh dear."
Nick chuckles "Yeah not exactly a ringing endorsement. I'm considering a rewrite."
"I'm sure it was fine" she squeezes his hand re[arse]uringly "and full of Nick Lachey's much envied p[arse]ion."
"Ah even when all the world's against me I can still rely on you" he says.
"Weeeeeeeeell" she replies skeptically and he puts his hand over his heart as if wounded. She smiles and he leans over and kisses her.
"I've got to go, so rest up while he's asleep and I'll be home early tonight."
She watches Nick go then looks over at her sleeping son. She lies back down and lets the sound of his breathing lull her back to sleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick arrives home and immediately feels he's walked into a war zone. His senses are [arse]aulted by his son's piercing screams. He picks his way precariously through the [arse]orted baby products spread haphazardly throughout the room. His eyes focused on the ground until the increase of noise informs him his wife has entered the room. He looks up and into the eyes of his none to happy wife. He grimaces when his next step results in a loud squawk from the floor. He looks down and pushes the offending duck away with his foot.
"Where the hell have you been?" Jessica hisses menacingly.
"I uh ..." He begins to form an excuse but when he looks up she's already turned and is walking out of the room.
Although the ensuing silence is welcomed he knows better than to remain behind. He dumps his case onto the couch, kicks the rubber duck for good measure, ignoring its startled cry, and seeking out the wails of his son, finds his wife and child in the bathroom. Jessica's stomps and furious actions as she makes preparations for the baby's bath feel like accusations to him. He jumps out of the way when she turns suddenly heading in his direction, plastering himself against the wall, trying to take up as little room as is possible. She p[arse]es him by as if he isn't there. Yes, she's definitely got her 'I'm annoyed at you' blinkers on tonight. He watches her amazed at how efficient she is with only one arm free. Spinning and reaching, gathering and carrying, back and forth all while holding the screaming baby safe and secure.
"I can hold him for you if you want" he offers not sure if he's trying to save her ears or the baby from motion sickness.
"I'm fine Nick!" She replies stopping her motions just long enough to glare at him "We do this every night."
Feeling himself shrivel under her gaze Nick tries to defend his offer. "It's just he doesn't look happ..." he begins to say before wishing he could bite off his tongue. He can't though the foot in his mouth is blocking the way.
"Well maybe he isn't but we can't all be off doing whatever we want whenever we want now can we? Some of us have responsibilities and obligations Nick. It's time for his bath and I'm not changing 'his' schedule just because 'you' can't keep to 'yours'."
Yep it's a war zone all right. Nick lost count of the number of bullets in that exchange of crossfire. He looks around the room desperate for inspiration. He considers picking up a diaper and waving it requesting a truce but doubts Jessica would see the humor in it tonight. Marriage has taught him to choose his battles wisely and this one isn't worth getting into, especially when you consider he is home four hours later than he promised. An argument with Jessica when she's about to immerse his squirming and soon to be slippery son into his bath is not only unwanted but unfair to her.
She needs all the concentration she can muster for that activity. Nick swears the baby's part fish. He has no idea how Jessica manages to keep his head above water. He tried bathing him once and ended up wetter than the child. They have a system now; Jessica takes care of the actual bathing while Nick tries to teach his son to splash in her direction. Bath time is his favorite and he knows it is one of the moments both mother and son really enjoy. He loves being an active participant but knows his efforts tonight would be unwelcome. He's not sure if Jessica's body blocking his view is deliberate but feels tonight she may need to do this alone, may need this chance to reconnect with their now placated son.
As he turns to leave the room, Jessica, sensing his departure, has one more zinger ready for him "There's no dinner."
Pausing one foot in the room one foot out he grimaces. He was so close to getting away virtually unscathed. Taking a deep breath, summoning up his courage, he turns and offers "How about I call up for some take out?"
"No!" She says before he's even finished with his offer. "I'll get dinner you'll just have to wait" he nods and turns again barely catching her mumbled "just like the rest of us."
He debates it for thirty seconds pretty certain what her reaction will be to his next offer but feels he'll be damned if he doesn't at least make it. "Do you want me to cook tonight?"
"I said I'll do it!"
He nods, mumbles "Whatever" and practically runs from the room. Reaching the living room he's kicking himself for being late, for antagonizing her, for whatever else it is he's done wrong that he's sure to find out about when she calms enough to shout at him. 'What to do?' he thinks. He needs to get back in her good books but the hard thing about not having a full list of his transgressions is, it's difficult to know what he is allowed to do to show his repentance. He knows dinner can't be touched, the baby can't be touched and he's quite sure if he attempted to touch Jessica she'd break his knees. Looking around at the mess he decides to tidy up.
Arms full of baby belongings he makes his way to the bedroom then stops dead in his tracks the moment he enters. He looks down at the [arse]orted items in his arms and then around the room. Where does it all go? He knows it gets brought out every day but it miraculously finds its own way home at night. That's probably what Jessica's always doing behind him as he dresses the baby after his bath. He often wondered what all that noise and coming and going was about. His options are fairly limited. The idea of searching for the right places for the items doesn't appeal to him that leaves dumping them somewhere. He could dump them on the change table but Jessica is going to want that when she finishes Little Nicholas’s bath. The rocking chair she'll want soon for his nighttime feed, the bed he's still hoping he'll get to use that tonight, the cot ... well yeah that's good thinking Nick.
Running out of options he leaves the room with arms still full. Going back to where he started he empties the contents of his arms onto the couch. If he can't put it away at least he can sort it out to make it easier for Jessica to do later. He sits there putting it into distinguishable piles. Clean clothing, puked on clothing, creams, wipes and other [arse]orted weird looking baby care stuff and then his favorite; toys. Most of the items he has no idea what purpose they serve but the toys make sense, at least to him they do. Nick hasn't noticed the baby care about them much one way or another. The only thing he seems to be excited by is Jessica. Not that Nick doesn't understand that obsession, he definitely shares that one with him. He holds a small material frog that makes a crackling noise when handled up to his face. He wonders what it is inside that makes that weird noise. He smiles at the fact this could be more fun to play with than Jessica. Her warm soft supple body, verses an ugly looking green crackly thing, yeah tough decision there.
Jessica walks into the room and sees Nick sitting with a lap full of toys happily staring at a frog. "I'm so glad you're having fun" she says and walks into the kitchen "Meanwhile I'll do everything around here." What's with him and that stupid frog she wonders. If he expects her to sit through another in depth discussion about what it has inside it he's got another thing coming.
Nick mouths 'help me' at the frog then, pulling a face, throws it onto the toys pile and follows Jessica into the kitchen "I was tidying up."
"Oh I'm so sorry what with all the sitting around doing nothing I've been doing I hadn't noticed how productive you've been."
"That's not what I meant! I know you've..." he decides the fact she's now holding a fry pan would be a good indication he shouldn't aggravate her and lets his argument drop. The problem is, so far he hasn't noticed what he can do that doesn't aggravate her. "Can I do anything to help?"
"No"
"Is he asleep?"
"Yes"
"You sure there's nothing I can do?"
Nick is almost brought to his knees by Jessica's angry glare.
"Um ... ok ... well ... I'll just ... get changed then" he stammers. He pauses before leaving the room but her actions give no indication she's even heard him. He feels the irrational need to get her permission before he does anything tonight but realizes the ridiculousness of the urge and just leaves.
Picking up the jacket he'd left on the couch he decides to take the pile of laundry items too. Even he can work out where they belong. His tie and shirt are flung to the bed while he tries to form a 'combat cranky Jessica' strategy. It would help if he had an idea of the 'steer clear of' topics. He takes a sneak peek at the sleeping baby as he changes into sweats and a T. "Help me out here buddy" he whispers "give your mom a break tonight will ya"
Nick's annoyed with himself for coming home so late. He's missed out on the precious time he normally gets to spend with his son. Holding the baby and watching Jessica's enthralled face as he tells her all the latest courthouse gossip. Watching her bathe and feed the baby, cooing to him as she tells Nick what her activities have been. He loves the times she slips up and says something to him in her 'soothe the baby' voice. He finds that voice as sexy as hell. His coming home late meant he missed those parenting moments he so cherishes. They really bring home to him that he has a family, he's a father and he's never been happier.
Tonight he feels isolated. He feels like a bystander watching his life p[arse] him by. All he's seen since he came home is Jessica whisk their son away, hoarding him to her possessively. He's not angry at her but he is disappointed and a little afraid. He shakes his head, trying to rid it of any maudlin thoughts. He's overreacting, 'She's just had a bad day' he tells himself. 'One bad day does not a disaster make.'
He reaches out and caresses his son. Curling the wispy hair on his head around his fingers, tapping his button nose and insinuating his finger into the sleeping child's grasp. It always amazing him how strong that grasp is. It's just natural that he test it so he raises his hand a little and smiles when the fist refuses to let go. Having succeeded the first time he's compelled to do it again. An action he greatly regrets when the baby stirs then squawks. "Oh [bad word]" Nick mutters backing away. But too late. The baby's definitely awake and his unhappy cries bring his mother rushing into the room.
"What did you do?" She asks hovering over the cot.
"Nothing! I didn't do a thing!" Nick lies then quickly leaves the room sure his guilt will be obvious if he stays. In the kitchen he takes over preparing their meal, determined not to let anything burn. He can't afford to add to his list of sins tonight.
He's pleased to see it doesn't take Jessica too long to return to the kitchen. "Is he asleep?" he asks. She opens her mouth and the flash of her eyes warns him of another tirade. Instinctively he winces. He's not sure if that's what changed her mind or if she just decided he wasn't worth the effort but she doesn't say a word. She merely nods, sighs and wearily sits down. Keeping an eye on their dinner Nick sits too and reaches across the table for her hand. It's not that he's brave he just feels more comfortable keeping her hands free of implements.
"Bad day?" He asks hesitantly.
"No!" She snaps defensively and pulls her hands away.
"So it was good?" Nick sits silently waiting for her to offer something when she doesn't he tries again "so why was it good?"
"Well, Cacee came to visit for one thing."
"That would have been nice for you" he says encouragingly trying to downplay the delight he feels over the fact she's talking to him. He soon realizes the conversation is going to be like pulling teeth though. She's not going to offer him anything he hasn't worked for. Wondering how a visit from Cacee can have affected her mood he asks "It wasn't nice?"
"No, no, it was ... it's just ..." He can see her debating with herself whether to say anything or not. She's obviously reluctant to talk but in the end she does. Looking down at the table in an obvious attempt to avoid his eyes she says "she came while he was asleep and it was good to see her... It was great to see her ..." Again she pauses, reluctant to continue.
"But?" Nick says trying to draw it out of her. He's concerned she has an air of despondency about her and he doesn't know why.
She looks up and hurriedly says "But it meant that I didn't get anything done while Nicholas was sleeping and then ten minutes after she left he woke and you know how he gets at this time of night. It's useless to try and do anything when he's like that and .... and …"With the accusing look in her eyes she doesn't need to voice the 'and you weren't here' he hears it loud and clear anyway. Instead of continuing to speak she waves her hands around indicating the kitchen and the meal that's just started cooking even though it's long past time they ate.
"I'm sorry I was late" Nick says.
She looks back at the table without responding.
He reaches out to take her hand again. She reluctantly allows his touch. Giving them a gentle squeeze he says "Well tomorrow's Saturday and I'll be ..." Her hands immediately pull away.
"Yeah, yeah, I know you'll be here to fix everything." She says angrily then seems genuinely surprised by the vehemence of her own tone. Standing she hurriedly states "I'm not hungry, I'm going to have a bath."
"But Jessica you need to....." She's gone before Nick can say eat.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Leaning back in the bath Jessica tries to allow all her tension and anxiety to wash away. Unfortunately, the bath water circulates sending it all back upon her, wave after wave. The tears of frustration and despair fall unabated now she's alone. She's never felt so lost, so useless as she does now. She's always succeeded before, always been able to believe in herself, no matter what, but not now. Nothing she does is right any more.
It's not like she was foolish enough to believe being a mother was going to be easy. She knew it would be hard but she never thought it would be this oppressive. She never expected it to make her feel so alone. Wasn't it supposed to complete her, fulfill her? What is it she's doing wrong that's stopping this from happening? She's tired of asking herself that. She's frustrated by her failure and knows she's taking this out on the person she really should be turning to. She doesn't know why she's acting this way with Nick but she can't seem to stop herself. Everything he does annoys her and as much as she wants him close when he is she feels smothered, she feels patronized, like he's only there to 'pat the good mommy on the head.'
Jessica doesn't recognize the person she's become and Nick doesn't seem to know her either. He treats her differently. He tip toes around her as if afraid and she doesn't remember the last time she talked to him. She doesn't feel as if she's spoken to anyone since the baby was born, not really talked anyway. Oh there have been endless conversations about how big he's gotten, how cute he is, isn't this wonderful, isn't he sweet, isn't she lucky but it's not sweet, it's not wonderful and somewhere in all of that baby talk she's lost and can't get out.
She's lost sight of who she is and is terrified sooner or later everyone will realize Jessica isn't there any more. This new person, she doesn't even like her much. What will happen when Nick sees her? When he realizes his Jessica is gone. Is he going to hate who she's become too?
A sound on the other side of the door alerts Jessica to Nick's presence. She splashes water over her face trying to disguise the fact she's been crying in case he comes in. She desperately hopes he'll see the closed door as a sign she doesn't want him near. She's fought for so long not to let him see her like this. When he knocks quietly and calls her name she almost sobs for joy that he's too afraid to enter, until she remembers the old Nick wouldn't have thought about it for a second. She's losing him. All his actions say it's so. It's just a matter of when. She's losing him a little more each day but just doesn't have the will to do anything about it.
It's not that she wants it to happen it's just, why fight the inevitable? There is little left that she does have the will for. Energy is too scarce to be wasted. Thought a commodity no longer required. Her days comprise a mind numbing routine, feed, clothe, clean, feed, clean, feed, clean and somewhere in all of that hold her life, marriage and sanity together. Something's got to give and the only thing she knows for sure is it isn't going to be the baby.
"Jessica I brought you something to eat" Nick says after getting no response to his knock.
"I'm not hungry" Jessica replies quietly. Hoping to hide the sorrow in her tone.
"It's just a sandwich. You need to eat something."
Got to keep your strength up, Little Nicholas needs you, do it for the home team, your body doesn't belong to you any more, it doesn't matter what you think or what you want, you have a duty. He doesn't have to say the words, it's a mantra she's been telling herself all week.
"I'll be out in a minute" she says on a resigned sigh. 'Yes Little Nicholas's mommy will be reporting for duty' she thinks. 'Yes sir, no sir, I'll eat when I'm told sir, self pity be damned.'
"I can bring it in to you…"
"I said I'll be out in a minute" Jessica the fighter snaps back into place surprising even herself. She doesn't hear another word from Nick. She can just imagine him dropping the plate and running. Sooner or later he's not going to stop at the door. He's going to run right out of her life and she'll only have herself to blame. Goodbye, good riddance, nice knowing you, have a nice life.
Twenty minutes later and after another good cry Jessica leaves the bathroom. She curls on her bed watching her sleeping son as she eats the meal Nick prepared for her. It's like eating cardboard the amount of pleasure she gets from it. If questioned she couldn't even say what it was. It doesn't matter. Her son relies on her for his strength, she'll deny him nothing. She watches him sleeping so peacefully. He looks angelic, his hands, curled, resting under his chin, his lips, puckered, emitting whispery breaths. She loves him, with all her heart, this she knows. Being without him is not an option. She just wishes she could find herself so she could enjoy this precious time with him.
Finishing her meal she reluctantly rises and takes the plate to the kitchen. Nick is sitting silently at the table, a plate with crumbs in front of him too. She doesn't know what happened to the meal she was once so intent on preparing, and really, no longer cares. He looks at her with a hopeful but scared look in his eyes. She just can't deal with him right now and avoiding his eyes takes his plate and thanks him for her own meal. Dishes, that she can do, that she can make right, it's just everything else that's falling apart.
She turns to leave and is almost out of the room before she remembers to say "Goodnight." She feels more than hears his sigh as she leaves. The tears rise at the thought of his relief to be rid of her. The bed is warm when she climbs back in and she hopes it will infuse her so she doesn't feel so cold. Alone, lost and cold.
Waking as Nick enters the bedroom Jessica sees him trying hard not to make a sound. She hides the fact she has woken not wanting to speak but when he leaves the room she feels his loss. She's not angry any more she's just terribly scared. He's so far away right now and worst of all she knows that's because that's where she has put him. She needs to feel a connection with him, she needs to feel safe, anchored, if not whole. His pillow, which she'd clung to in sleep, offers no comfort now. She rises and slowly walks towards him hoping she won't be turned away.
Nick, brushing his teeth in preparation for bed, doesn't hear Jessica come into the bathroom. He has no idea he's being watched. His first hint of her presence is her hands running across his back. The initial contact causes him to tense up, memories of the fire in her eyes warning him of an impending attack, until he feels her soft smooth strokes and relaxes into it. He hears the apology and need in the tenderness of her caress. Looking over his shoulder he smiles at her as best he can with a mouth full of foam and a toothbrush. Telling her all is understood and forgiven.
When he turns back to the sink to spit, her hands move along his waist and her arms wrap around him, holding him securely. She rests her head against his back. The running water drowns out her sigh but he feels it. He knows how much she hates losing control and how much she is beating herself up for having taken it out on him. He's willing to take anything she needs to dish out especially if he's rewarded by her affection later.
With his mouth now free he asks "You ok?" He feels her head move against his skin and can only hope it's a nod in the affirmative. "I'll be finished in a minute" he says but gets no reply or reaction so he continues brushing with Jessica now attached to him like a barnacle.
When Nick's finished, he takes hold of Jessica's hands, loosening their grip on him and turns around to face her. "You here to perform an inspection?" he asks and she looks up at him confused. He bares his teeth at her and she gives him a pleased grin. She reaches up on tippee toes placing a soft kiss to his mouth before pulling away. He snakes his arm around her waist and draws her back close. Moving his mouth towards hers, he says "After all the effort I put in that's all I get?" She smiles and kisses him more thoroughly. Her mouth truly investigating his. He's always admired her for her thoroughness.
This time when they part Nick whispers "Lets get you into bed" and feels Jessica's body immediately tense against his. He suspects she's misread his meaning but doesn't know how or if he should clarify. For people who deal in words as a living they have a bizarre inability to use them with each other. Luckily though, their bodies are quite articulate. Their touch, their smiles expressing their sentiment in place of words. Taking her hand he leads her to their bed. First, he turns the covers down then he guides her in. He leans over and places a kiss to her forehead before saying "You need sleep."
Jessica smiles up at him. Nick sees the relief on her face as she draws his down for one more soft kiss before letting him finish tucking her in. Curled on her side with one hand on the pillow his head will soon occupy, she watches him go through his nightly routine. When he leaves the room to check on the lights and locks, she rolls to her other side and looks over at the baby. He's still sleeping peacefully, perfectly content with a dry bottom and a full stomach. His little mouth twitching and making an occasional smacking noise.
Nick pads back into the room and over to the cot for the final step in his ritual. Every night he stands there, stealing one last amazed look at his son. His eyes lift to Jessica's and she doesn't need to hear his voice to know he is saying to her "Wow, we did this!" He looks down at his son again. Some nights as he looks at him Nick is overwhelmed by such a sense of adoration he has to reach out and touch him. She wonders if it's Nick's way of ensuring the baby's real and not just a dream. Tonight though he just looks. This week the baby has been colicky and restless so the last thing Nick wants is to disturb him while he's peaceful. He absent-mindedly strokes the top of the cot, his fingers desperate to portray their love, the wood though is a poor substitute to the soft warmth of his child.
Nick turns and walks to his side of the bed. Jessica rolls onto her back and turns her head watching his movements. After climbing in he leans over and kisses her cheek "Goodnight" he whispers. He's pulling away when he sees something in her expression that concerns him. Her behavior the last few days has been erratic at best but he's just put it down to exhaustion. They've both been suffering from the riggers of constantly interrupted sleep. The haunted look in her eyes now suggests there is more to it but he has no idea what it could be.
"You OK?" he asks running his thumb across her cheek. Jessica's eyes close as she nods. Nick knows she's avoiding voicing what would be a lie. When her eyes open again they tell him the truth.
"Jess what is it?" he asks imploringly.
"Just hold me" she whispers, her voice barely strong enough to finish the plea.
Nick can see the desperation in her eyes. He's concerned, his first instinct is to beg her to speak to him, to give him a chance to fix whatever is wrong, but he doesn't. It's obvious Jessica needs rest more than she needs a potentially emotional discussion. He doubts even if he were to push the issue he'd get rational thoughts from her now. Her behavior has left him spinning, from her anger and isolation earlier to her desperate need for contact now, he's been 5 steps behind her game all night. He has no idea what she'll do next. He's not even sure she does. She's on edge, precariously, he can see that much and the last thing he wants is to push her over. Knowing she prefers to fall asleep with the baby in her line of sight Nick nods and motions for her to change position.
Jessica rolls onto her side, stealing the last precious glimpses of her son for the night as she listens to her husband shuffling in the bed behind her. The lamp clicks and she's in darkness, alone, cut off from everything she holds precious. A tear forms and falls, quickly followed by another. She'd try to stop them but fears alerting Nick to their presence. Soon his long warm body presses up behind her, cradling her completely, legs and arms encircling hers. She sinks into his body. Shifting back until she feels some of her emptiness drain away. She needs his touch, his warmth, his breath whistling past her ear, tickling her cheek. She reaches for his hand and holds it clasped between hers like a lifeline. "Love you" she hears him whisper as warm lips press against her shoulder. She closes her eyes tight listening to the sounds of her family breathing. She fights to hold back her tears hoping sleep will chase her fears away.
Nick meanwhile holds her firm in his embrace, offering his strength and love, hoping she'll draw from them the comfort she needs. He knows Jessica's fighting tears, he's slept with her long enough to know her different moves and sounds. He's hoping whatever sleep she can manage to get tonight will be enough to give her the strength to face him tomorrow and bare her sorrows. His concern is not enough to override his exhaustion. After a long hard day having Jessica in his arms, her warmth and her scent nearby, is enough to lull him quickly. They comfort him and permeate his thoughts, even in sleep.
When he's woken, hours later, by the cries of his son, he knows only that he was interrupted while dreaming of her. The details slip away before he has time to process them but he remembers she was smiling. He can feel her squirming trying to get free of his tight hold but he doesn't want to let her go. It's been so long since she's let him hold her like this and he knows once she gets up it will all be about the baby again. He wants to feel her close, he wants to be included, he's tired of being relegated to watching from the sidelines.
"Nick!" Jessica says exasperated, she wants to get to the baby before he gets himself too worked up.
"I'll get him and bring him over" Nick says and starts to move.
"It's ok I can do it" Jessica argues also rising.
Putting a hand on her to stop her Nick says "No, stay there."
"It's easier if…" Jessica begins to argue.
Nick caresses her shoulder, staring at her he pleads "Please ... stay!"
Knowing she has two options, giving in now and letting him get the baby or arguing and allowing the baby to cry until he becomes distressed, Jessica chooses giving in. Like father like son, when they want something, they won't stop asking until they get it. "Fine" she says and begins arranging pillows to support herself as he triumphantly climbs out of bed.
At night, especially when the baby's fussy, Jessica tends to feed him in the rocking chair so as not to disturb Nick's sleep more than necessary. Little does she know most nights he lays there secretly watching her, treasuring the image of mother and son staring adoringly at each other. Tonight he doesn't want pretense. He wants her to know he isn't disturbed by her feeding, he's delighted. Or, at least as delighted as it's possible for a man woken at 4 a.m. As much as he loves falling back to sleep watching his family and listening to his wife's soft coos to their son, tonight he wants more.
Sitting alone in the kitchen earlier he decided he was no longer going to allow himself to be left out. He's tired of feeling excluded. It's hard enough being away from them all day he doesn't want to waste what time they do have together. He's not quite sure when or how it happened, if it's deliberate or just the way things are, he just knows he doesn't like it. When they first brought the baby home they did everything together. Every feeding, every changing, every moment they marveled over. But lately he's sensed a distance developing between them, that even when together they are apart. A few heavy cases, a break in his routine and he finds his family's moved on without him. For the first time in his life he resents the firm and the demands it makes on his time.
Nick lifts their squawking son and brings him up to rest against his shoulder before releasing a squawk of his own.
"What's wrong?" Jessica asks alarmed.
Holding him out in front and screwing his face up in disgust Nick says "Tell me again why we feed him when this is the result."
Jessica smiles and makes a move to get out of bed again.
"Stay! It's ok, I'll do it."
She doesn't put up too much of an argument, it's about time he got a really good diaper to change. Nick's too busy trying to keep his nose out of the line of fire and his eyes on the job he's doing to notice when Jessica moves. He's just finished redressing the baby when he feels her by his side. Nick sees her hands reaching for the baby and quickly scoops him up before she can.
Jessica walks to the rocking chair, sits and holds her arms out saying "Thanks. I'll take it from here."
Nick ignores her and walks back over to the bed. Rocking the baby gently, he stands waiting for her to join them there. There are times when Jessica finds his dogged determination admirable and then there are moments like tonight when she sees him as just pig headed.
Sighing dramatically she rises and climbs back into bed. She refuses to look up and see his smug grin, choosing instead to make a production of rearranging the pillows. 'It's just a damn feeding,' she thinks, 'you try doing it all day every day and tell me you want to make a big deal out of it at 4 in the morning.' When she's ready she again reaches out for her son.
Nick p[arse]es him down saying "If the way he latched onto my neck is any indication he's hungry."
Jessica whispers to the child as he begins to feed "I don't know why your silly daddy bothered buying that chair when he won't let us use it."
Nick chuckles, she can say whatever she wants he got his wish and he's happy. He climbs onto the bed and settles himself against her; almost curled around her body. He insinuates one arm behind her jostling her as he goes. He rests his head on her shoulder, one leg across her lap and a hand gently stroking his son's head. "Don't listen to your Mommy" he says "us men have got to stick together."
Jessica gives a half amused huff and Nick presses a kiss to the base of her neck "This is better than sitting over there by yourself right?"
She thinks about it. It does have its good points she concedes. "I've been in worse situations" she replies.
"Oh boy she's going to make me work for it" he tells his son who has no interest in his father right now.
Nick cuddles in closer making Jessica wonder if she's going to end up with both of them in her lap. Nick's a blessing and a curse. His presence right now is restricting and a little too much physically but emotionally she's needed this, she's wanted to feel him near, to feel less alone. She allows herself to relax against him. His arm crosses her body and his hand comes to rest on hers as she plays with her son's tiny yet long fingers. She looks down at the three entangled hands and tries to commit this picture to memory.
As she watches the baby feed, and feels her body give him sustenance, she forgets that it's four in the morning. It's in the tiny moments like this that she finds joy. Although when woken at an ungodly hour she drags herself grumbling from bed, once the baby's feeding, resting contentedly against her breast, there is no place else she'd rather be. Their bond is strong, unbreakable. Her eyes travel to Nick's face expecting to see him doting attention on their son but it's her he's looking at. She's almost afraid to hope the love and admiration she sees in his eyes is real. They are too powerful to look at so with a soft smile she turns again to the baby.
Sooner than she'd hoped the baby becomes distracted refusing to continue to feed. Jessica knows there is no way he's had his fill and wants him to have more now rather than wake her again shortly with an empty tummy but, as with his father, when he has other ideas there is no way of swaying him. No amount of gentle pleading or encouragement has an effect. He's beginning to become cranky with her persistence and she's becoming frustrated by his refusals. It's a battle of wills she knows she's going to lose and she hates that Nick is about to see her fail. The one thing she could always rely on doing right is feeding the baby. From day one he's been a hungry eater but now, when she most needs to feel capable, he won't even do that. So much for their unbreakable bond she feels as if it's now shattering before her eyes.
Nick's hovering only further serves to aggravate her. It's a change in the baby's routine and she'd like to be able to blame his inattention on that. She shouldn't have given in to him. She should have fed the baby in the chair as he's used to. She pushes Nick away. Her whole body tensing with his every move to soothe her. His offered platitudes and advice feel like further proof not even he thinks she knows what she's doing. His words grate on her. She deals with this every day what makes him think he knows better.
"Try the other side." She hears, and it's the final straw. Jessica lets out all her frustrations in a long anguished "Nick!"
He replies to her outcry with a look, challenging her to prove him wrong. Mumbling to herself about stubborn males she groans "Fine!" if only to shut him up once and for all she'll do it. When she switches the baby over, he immediately latches on and is suddenly intent on feeding again. Jessica looks down at him with a mixture of shock and horror. She looks up at Nick for an explanation.
Chuckling he says "He's just like his old man."
Confusion overriding her annoyance Jessica's eyebrow raises quizzically. He shrugs and confesses "It's my favorite too."
"Nick!" She says astonished and looks down at the baby. She can feel the color rising in her cheeks and wonders at the irrationality of allowing that to embarr[arse] her. Is it so long since she's felt like a desirable woman that she doesn't know how to react to it anymore?
"Well, it is" Nick whispers into her ear and then rests his head on her shoulder again.
Quietly they listen to the sound of the baby happily and contentedly feeding. Then Jessica sighs and asks "Ok why that one?"
"183!" Nick answers grinning. Jessica just looks at him as if he is insane. "183 heartbeats before you asked the question" he explains.
"You counted?"
"Yeah it would have been too obvious if I'd gone for the stopwatch."
Jessica rolls her eyes at him and goes back to watching the baby. She's glad Nick's normally asleep when she's doing this if this is what he's like at this time of night. At four in the morning she just doesn't have the mental capacity or stamina to keep up with him. She keeps mulling over what he's said though and can't help herself when she turns to him and says "you don't even own a stopwatch."
"I do too!" he [arse]uredly replies.
She's silent again as she watches the baby then comments "Almost two years I've lived here Nick and I've never once seen a stopwatch."
Sighing dramatically he gets out of bed and leaves the room. The baby has finished feeding and is being burped before Nick finally returns smugly brandishing a stopwatch.
"You probably stole it from a neighbor you've certainly been gone long enough" Jessica declares unwilling to admit defeat yet.
Nick doesn't reply, just stands there grinning at her, swaying the watch gently, teasingly.
"Besides you still haven't answered my question" she says challengingly.
He puts on a mock horrified face and covering the baby's ears says "Not in front of Little Nicholas" who chooses that exact moment to let out a terrific burp.
"He's just like his daddy" Jessica teases to Nick's delight.
Climbing back into bed he watches Jessica tenderly rocking and humming to their sleepy son. Nick's hand reaches out and softly strokes the baby's cheek. The baby's eyes open when contact is made then slowly close again. Jessica looks at Nick and sees his love and devotion for their son reflected in his gaze. Mixed in with that though she sees a sad longing. When his eyes raise to hers she sees a hint of, she's not sure but she thinks it's envy.
She thinks back over the events of the night and realizes the only time Nick's held the baby was earlier when he changed his diaper. She wonders if his need to share this feeding with her was out of desperation to spend some time with his son. "Would you like to?" she offers him indicating the peaceful baby. Tears almost fall again as she sees the immediate delight on her husband's face.
Jessica hands the baby over and watches Nick raise him to his face enthusiastically. He kisses him saying reverently "Hey there buddy." Large wise eyes stare into his drawing a smile from the proud father. Watching them exchange Eskimo kisses Jessica smiles at the beauty of her family. Nick grins at her as he pulls faces trying to elicit a smile from his son.
"Unless you want to wear his dinner don't shake him around too much" Jessica warns wiping a spit bubble from the baby's mouth. She rests her head on Nick's shoulder and reaching for the baby's hand whispers "and sleep is our goal now."
Nick nods, he cradles his son on his arm and tries to soothe him to sleep. He regales him with tales untrue. Heroics of their adventures together as manly men. The baby's eyes open wide as if awed by his father, then slowly droop. Each blink taking longer and longer to end. Jessica watching on is amazed, as always, at how natural Nick is with the baby. For someone with no previous experience he takes it all in his stride. Not only does her son have his father's eyes but he also has his heart.
Nick's normally cautious and reserved manner is lost when he's with the baby. He dotes on his son with a relaxed ease that she admires. He doesn't seem to be plagued with the insecurities she is. She has no doubt that her son knows and loves his father. His feelings for his mother she's not too sure of. He needs her, she knows that much. Watching them together is a mix of pain and pleasure. It's too much for hr right now and needing to get away she slowly rises from the bed.
"Where are you going?" Nick asks disappointed at losing her contact.
"Uh … bathroom."
Satisfied, Nick's attention returns to his son.
Meanwhile, Jessica hides out feeling like an intruder. The ogre who in a fit of hormonal angst brought on by her own inadequacy kept father and son apart. She didn't mean to do it but so much of her life is just habit now. She methodically follows a routine dictated by the smallest member of the family and sometimes forgets to account for Nick for during the time he's actually there. Jessica remembers the look on Nick's face when she found him in the kitchen and if she's honest with herself she knows exactly what it was; loneliness. What happened to the togetherness of being a family? How has it ended up making them both feel more alone?
When Jessica returns to the bedroom she finds her men asleep. Father and son snuggled together. Nick's hand, resting on the diapered bottom sticking up high in the air, holds the snoring baby to his steadily rising chest. She wonders who put who to sleep first. Seeing Nick's camera, which has been working overtime of late, she takes a photo knowing this is a moment to be cherished. It will be a nice surprise for him when he gets the film developed. Neither reacts to the camera's noise or flash, they are deep in sleep. Jessica briefly wonders if she features in their dreams.
Climbing back into bed she curls up next to them and watches the two people she holds most precious sleep; the two people she most fears disappointing. After brushing a lock of Nick's hair off his face her hand joins his on their son's diapered bottom. When she too begins to succumb to the soothing sounds of Nick's breathing she forces herself to rise and return the baby to his cot.
Switching off the lamp she climbs into bed and allows her head to take the baby's place on Nick's chest. Her arm draped across him, her hand resting on his shoulder. His hand finds it's way to the back of her head and cups it as he had done their son. Jessica allows his warmth, sound and smell to lull her tired mind into sleep. Another day is over and a new one will soon begin. She's made plans for that new day. Plans that she hopes will help her find not only herself, but Nick.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick walks into the kitchen and sees Jessica sitting at the table, nibbling on a piece of toast while the baby sleeps in a b[arse]inet beside her.
"Morning beautiful" he whispers kissing her hair, one hand resting on her shoulder while the other strokes the baby's face. "How's he been today?"
"He's been good. He slept between feedings."
Nick enacts a silent cheer and Jessica smiles at his goofy antics. "Maybe he's teething" he says pleased with himself "I've heard they can be pretty crabby when that happens."
"Teething" Jessica laughs "Nick he's 7 weeks old"
"So?"
"So he's a long way from teething."
"Oh, I just remember whenever Jeff looked like hell it was because Alyssa was teething."
Jessica looks at Nick who is looking rested and fresh, 'obviously' she thinks 'it's me he considers looks like hell.'
"So that's where all your 'expert' information comes from?" she says as the smile falls from her face.
Nick grins "Yeah none of that book learning crap for me. I read enough books in law school to last me a lifetime." He looks at the baby and leans in until he gets a good sniff of the sweet newborn smell. Looking up his grin widens as he says "Maybe he's just advanced like his old man." Rocking the b[arse]inet he proudly states "I p[arse]ed on some good genes, didn't I boy?"
Jessica, shaking her head, smiles, then states decidedly, "He's not teething."
"Oh well that was the extent of my expertise." Nick walks over to make some coffee so misses the crestfallen expression on her face when he says, "So I guess this means you're on your own."
He has no idea he's just voiced Jessica's greatest fear. His offhand quip puts into words the isolation she's been struggling with lately. The loneliness she fears is going to escalate until she is stranded completely in this strange, remote, robotic life. When Nick gets back to the table he sits on the chair next to her but she doesn't look at him. Suddenly she's fascinated with the crumbs on her plate. He wonders where her smile went to. It had made such a brief but promising appearance earlier, what made it go away?
"Jessica?" he asks gently reaching out and clutching her hand "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry about last night" her answer is so quiet he almost doesn't hear it.
He knows how much she hates it when they fight. She dwells on it afterwards, berating herself for losing control. Whereas he'd rather just forget it and move on, she worries over it and cannot let it go until they've talked it through. She needs resolution not occlusion. He brings her hand to his mouth pressing a soft kiss to her palm. "Hey don't worry about it, you were just tired, I understand."
"Tired" she mouths, turning away from him, shaking her head in disbelief. Her hand leaves his and wraps itself around her gl[arse] of juice barely resisting the urge to pick it up and hit him with it. If only it were just a matter of being tired. It's way beyond that now. Lack of sleep is... well it's the least of her worries and she's sick to death of being patted on the head and told 'there's a good girl, everything's ok, you're just tired.' Tired is how she felt four weeks ago back when Nick was of some [arse]istance. Back before he just started making his 'fly by cure all' appearances in her life.
Nick feels the tension burn in her but doesn't know what he's said wrong this time. "Jessica?" he asks trying to get her attention but she doesn't answer him. He sees how tight her grip is on the gl[arse] of juice, her knuckles white and straining under the pressure. He takes hold of her wrist refusing to let go when she tries to pull away, ignoring the flash of anger on her face at his audacity, he implores "Jessica talk to me!"
Through clenched teeth she venomously says "We can't all be like you Nick. We can't all just ... just ... jump from one situation to another in the blink of an eye. From day one it was like you'd done it all before, no h[arse]les, nothing. It's all so rosy, so wonderful for you isn't it?"
His face reflects his changing emotions finally settling on confusion. "Jessica what are you talking about?"
"What do you think I'm talking about Nick? What do I do all day long? What is the only thing I do anymore? God Nick, what else would I be talking about but ..." she loses momentum as her eyes travel to her sleeping son. Her hands stop waving in frustration and drop to her side "I'm talking about the baby" she finishes on a sigh, hating herself for feeling anything but joy when she looks at him.
Nick tries to remember what her first outburst was and then understand how that relates to the baby but he can't make any sense of it. "What are you trying to say exactly?"
Jessica stands up saying "See I can't even talk to you anymore" she walks to the sink practically throwing her dishes into it.
"Can't you at least try" Nick asks totally lost.
Jessica spins around and furiously says "What do you think I've been doing? That's all I do! That's all I can do, all day everyday I try to get it right but lets face it, I ... I'm no good at this. I just can't do it!"
"You can't do what?" Nick asks nervously.
"Be a mother. I can't do it. I'm no good at it."
"Jessica you've got to be kidding!" Nick says astonished. "You are good at it ... you're a great mom."
"I'm not I'm a terrible mother. I'm ... I'm terrible. I have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing I try works, I just don't have the instincts, I'm hopeless!"
"Jessica!" he implores as he stands and starts to walk towards her but she backs away.
"No I am hopeless I am. You're not here you don't see. I just can't do it. I'm no good at it. I'm afraid of him. Some days I hear him cry and I just want to run. There's nothing I can do there's no way I can stop him and it gets to the stage where I just can't take it anymore. I try everything but it's no use and I just want him to stop. I can't help him, he needs someone who knows what they're doing, not me. I do everything they tell you to but it doesn't work. I'm not a good mother. I can't do this. He deserves better than me."
Jessica's crying openly now and Nick's heart breaks watching her crumble. Again he steps towards her, arms wide open, he says "Jessica that's not true!"
Before he can touch her she pushes away from him, her hand raised to stop him following her, she cries "No, no, no, no"
He can see his attempt to physically reach out is only upsetting her further so he backs off. She won't take the comfort of his arms which means he's forced to verbalize his feelings. Something he's promised her he'll do but still struggles with everyday. It's not something he's wont to do, he's not even confident he knows how but today he has to try. The alternative is to watch the woman he loves cry and chastise herself over an opinion he knows is wrong. He'll change the habit of a lifetime in the hope of changing her mind and chasing her tears away.
"Jessica you're a wonderful mother. Ask anyone..."
"What would they know Nick!" she snaps interrupting him "Are they here? Do they see me? What would you know! I'm the one who knows. I'm the one here every minute. 'I' know ... I'm awful."
"No you're not! Jessica you're doing great."
"Saying it won't make it so Nick. You have no idea! You don't know!" she turns so her back is facing him now. He watches the fight leave her body, the devastation of what she's admitted hitting her and hears her dejected "I know!" as sobs wrack her.
Nick sees the admission tear her apart. Her spirit broken by the strength of her belief. He wants to take her in his arms, to take the pain from her but knows she won't accept this. She needs to vent, she needs to release and work through her pent up emotions even if it hurts to do so. He knows how hard it is for Jessica to admit any weakness so to have spoken so scathingly about herself she must be in a desperate desolate place inside. These feelings must have been growing in magnitude for quite some time.
He had no idea she was feeling inadequate, never saw a hint she wasn't coping. To him she looked so beautiful and capable with their son in her arms. A sight he was always proud to see. Work may have taken him out of the house more than he would have liked but he has been around enough to know she is a wonderful mother. He has to be able to make her believe this.
Nick looks over at his son who is sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the torment in the room. His son is all the proof he needs of Jessica's capabilities but he knows to convince her he'll need more.
He needs to change her mind and with Jessica that's almost impossible to do. She's not going to just take his word for it. Gentle words and re[arse]urances will be like water off a duck's back to her. She'll think he's just patronizing her, offering her support, trying to encourage her in the hopes she'll one day learn to overcome her inability. She'll see that she needs him to bolster her confidence as another weakness. Re[arse]urance won't work, he needs to bring out her fighting spirit; the determination to succeed he's always admired in her. He knows with this intact she won't give up, she'll fight until she's conquered every fear. It hits home to him now how long it is since he has seen this determined woman. In truth it has been a long time since he's taken the time to really look at her. His life has been focused on two things lately, work and the baby. In his distraction he hasn't noticed her slipping away..
He's angry with himself for having failed to notice her struggling. He's angry he's going to hurt her further now but feels forced to resort to the only tactic he feels confident will work. Although a time honored method he excels at, he's not used to using it on someone he loves, but it's the only option he sees in this situation. He plans to treat Jessica like a hostile witness. He'll poke holes in her story until he breaks her and she concedes she is wrong.
He's never done this to her before, he doesn't like doing it now but faced with the alternative of allowing her to lose faith in herself, he doesn't see that he has much of a choice. He chants to himself trite phrases such as 'tough love' and 'got to be cruel to be kind' to remind him why he's doing this.
Having brought her tears under control Jessica looks over at him. Nick can tell she believes he's been convinced. If it weren't for the desolation on her face he's sure he'd back down. But he knows somewhere behind that fear is the real Jessica trying to resurface. He'll do whatever it takes to help her find her way back. He starts with a quiet concerned tone.
"What makes you a bad mother?"
Her reply is just as quiet "I can't do it"
"Can't or won't?"
"Can't! I'm doing it, I just don't get it right."
"So you think you're a bad mother?"
"I don't think it I 'know' I am."
He takes a step forward, she looks up ready for his next question. His tone becomes firmer, more accusing.
"Why are you bad? Are you neglecting him?"
She looks at him horrified and spits back "Of course not!"
"How many feedings have you missed?"
"None! How could I? He cries when he's hungry."
"So you feed him when he's hungry?"
"Yes"
"Change his diaper?"
"Yes"
"Clothe him and bathe him?"
She looks away having lost interest in this line of questioning.
"Do you comfort him when he cries"
He sees her face fall and guesses this is what scares her "I try to" she says.
"You try to?"
"Yes but there are days when it doesn't matter what I do he just won't stop."
"But you do everything you can, day or night, to keep him happy and healthy?"
"It doesn't always work."
"Do you resent him for that?"
"What? No!"
"So you resent him for keeping you at home, away from friends, maybe even from work?"
"I don't resent him. I never said I resented him."
"So you don't resent him?"
"Of course not!"
"And you're doing everything in your power to care from him?"
&q
Nick had always been a heavy sleeper, attuned to sleep through anything bar the sound of a ringing phone. Jessica had long since given up on asking 'Nick are you awake' in an ever increasing tone because he never was. Unfortunately for him, there was now a miniature person whose cries in the middle of the night to Nick's tired brain sounded exactly like the phone. He's lost count of the number of times he's jumped awake and lunged for the phone mumbling 'what?' only to hear Jessica giggle and say 'it's the baby.' She finds it hilarious. He feels it's another one of life's attempts to annoy him.
Tonight the baby has been restless. Nick's barely been further than the edge of sleep so far, so he's well aware of what, or who as the case really is, has woken him again. "He's due for a feed anyway" he hears Jessica tiredly mumble and he relaxes thinking that should keep the baby quiet so he can get at least a 20 minute nap. When Nick awakes again it is to a silent room and light creeping through the blinds. Day is breaking and he's all alone. If he listens intently he can just hear the mewling of his still cranky son. Dragging himself out of bed he goes in search of his family.
He finds Jessica pacing, swaying and patting. He can hear her soft voice cooing to the baby above his constant cries. Her frustration evident in the pleading words if not the tone. She's circling the room and hasn't heard his entrance. When she spies him in the doorway her face is as miserable as their child sounds. Tears of desperation and frustration well in Jessica's eyes, "He just won't settle" she says in a shaky voice.
Nick, pajama bottoms hung low, patters over to them and takes the baby from her, cradling him against the warmth of his bare chest. His neck and shoulder are met with a sudden rush of drool and mucus and his eardrum feels pierced from the cries of his boy. "Go to bed" he whispers brushing his lips across her forehead. The fact she immediately acquiesces is an indicator of just how worn out Jessica is. She leaves him with no instructions, no suggestions, just a resigned nod of her head and a weary disheartened walk away.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Jessica wakes to the feel of lips pressed against hers. She smiles against them. They taste good, a hint of the coffee she's still not allowed and minty fresh breath. She opens her eyes and sees Nick fully dressed and ready for work. She looks at the clock and realizes she's been asleep four whole hours. She doesn't remember the last time that happened. Sitting up she can see her son sleeping peacefully in his cot and looks at Nick confused. "He hasn't woken for his feeding?"
"He did, it's done and he's out like a light again."
Jessica looks at her chest and back at Nick thinking I'm sure I'd remember that happening. He laughs at her confused expression. "I used some of the pumped milk. You needed a break Jess" he says "And hey I couldn't let your 3 hour lecture on the correct way to thaw frozen breast milk go to waste now could I?"
Oh yeah she thinks laughing at herself as all the pieces begin to fit into place. "Did he sleep at all for you earlier?" She asks surprised Nick looks so fresh when she'd felt so frazzled.
"Yeah he dropped off about 20 minutes after the changing of the guard." Nick sits down on the edge of the bed and plays with her hand.
"He did?" Jessica asks with a hint of disappointment in her tone. She'd tried everything to no avail and then along comes Nick and problems solved. It's not the first time that's happened either. Parenthood sure can be an ego destroyer. "How did you do it?"
"I practiced my closing on him."
Jessica laughs then whispers "oh dear."
Nick chuckles "Yeah not exactly a ringing endorsement. I'm considering a rewrite."
"I'm sure it was fine" she squeezes his hand re[arse]uringly "and full of Nick Lachey's much envied p[arse]ion."
"Ah even when all the world's against me I can still rely on you" he says.
"Weeeeeeeeell" she replies skeptically and he puts his hand over his heart as if wounded. She smiles and he leans over and kisses her.
"I've got to go, so rest up while he's asleep and I'll be home early tonight."
She watches Nick go then looks over at her sleeping son. She lies back down and lets the sound of his breathing lull her back to sleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick arrives home and immediately feels he's walked into a war zone. His senses are [arse]aulted by his son's piercing screams. He picks his way precariously through the [arse]orted baby products spread haphazardly throughout the room. His eyes focused on the ground until the increase of noise informs him his wife has entered the room. He looks up and into the eyes of his none to happy wife. He grimaces when his next step results in a loud squawk from the floor. He looks down and pushes the offending duck away with his foot.
"Where the hell have you been?" Jessica hisses menacingly.
"I uh ..." He begins to form an excuse but when he looks up she's already turned and is walking out of the room.
Although the ensuing silence is welcomed he knows better than to remain behind. He dumps his case onto the couch, kicks the rubber duck for good measure, ignoring its startled cry, and seeking out the wails of his son, finds his wife and child in the bathroom. Jessica's stomps and furious actions as she makes preparations for the baby's bath feel like accusations to him. He jumps out of the way when she turns suddenly heading in his direction, plastering himself against the wall, trying to take up as little room as is possible. She p[arse]es him by as if he isn't there. Yes, she's definitely got her 'I'm annoyed at you' blinkers on tonight. He watches her amazed at how efficient she is with only one arm free. Spinning and reaching, gathering and carrying, back and forth all while holding the screaming baby safe and secure.
"I can hold him for you if you want" he offers not sure if he's trying to save her ears or the baby from motion sickness.
"I'm fine Nick!" She replies stopping her motions just long enough to glare at him "We do this every night."
Feeling himself shrivel under her gaze Nick tries to defend his offer. "It's just he doesn't look happ..." he begins to say before wishing he could bite off his tongue. He can't though the foot in his mouth is blocking the way.
"Well maybe he isn't but we can't all be off doing whatever we want whenever we want now can we? Some of us have responsibilities and obligations Nick. It's time for his bath and I'm not changing 'his' schedule just because 'you' can't keep to 'yours'."
Yep it's a war zone all right. Nick lost count of the number of bullets in that exchange of crossfire. He looks around the room desperate for inspiration. He considers picking up a diaper and waving it requesting a truce but doubts Jessica would see the humor in it tonight. Marriage has taught him to choose his battles wisely and this one isn't worth getting into, especially when you consider he is home four hours later than he promised. An argument with Jessica when she's about to immerse his squirming and soon to be slippery son into his bath is not only unwanted but unfair to her.
She needs all the concentration she can muster for that activity. Nick swears the baby's part fish. He has no idea how Jessica manages to keep his head above water. He tried bathing him once and ended up wetter than the child. They have a system now; Jessica takes care of the actual bathing while Nick tries to teach his son to splash in her direction. Bath time is his favorite and he knows it is one of the moments both mother and son really enjoy. He loves being an active participant but knows his efforts tonight would be unwelcome. He's not sure if Jessica's body blocking his view is deliberate but feels tonight she may need to do this alone, may need this chance to reconnect with their now placated son.
As he turns to leave the room, Jessica, sensing his departure, has one more zinger ready for him "There's no dinner."
Pausing one foot in the room one foot out he grimaces. He was so close to getting away virtually unscathed. Taking a deep breath, summoning up his courage, he turns and offers "How about I call up for some take out?"
"No!" She says before he's even finished with his offer. "I'll get dinner you'll just have to wait" he nods and turns again barely catching her mumbled "just like the rest of us."
He debates it for thirty seconds pretty certain what her reaction will be to his next offer but feels he'll be damned if he doesn't at least make it. "Do you want me to cook tonight?"
"I said I'll do it!"
He nods, mumbles "Whatever" and practically runs from the room. Reaching the living room he's kicking himself for being late, for antagonizing her, for whatever else it is he's done wrong that he's sure to find out about when she calms enough to shout at him. 'What to do?' he thinks. He needs to get back in her good books but the hard thing about not having a full list of his transgressions is, it's difficult to know what he is allowed to do to show his repentance. He knows dinner can't be touched, the baby can't be touched and he's quite sure if he attempted to touch Jessica she'd break his knees. Looking around at the mess he decides to tidy up.
Arms full of baby belongings he makes his way to the bedroom then stops dead in his tracks the moment he enters. He looks down at the [arse]orted items in his arms and then around the room. Where does it all go? He knows it gets brought out every day but it miraculously finds its own way home at night. That's probably what Jessica's always doing behind him as he dresses the baby after his bath. He often wondered what all that noise and coming and going was about. His options are fairly limited. The idea of searching for the right places for the items doesn't appeal to him that leaves dumping them somewhere. He could dump them on the change table but Jessica is going to want that when she finishes Little Nicholas’s bath. The rocking chair she'll want soon for his nighttime feed, the bed he's still hoping he'll get to use that tonight, the cot ... well yeah that's good thinking Nick.
Running out of options he leaves the room with arms still full. Going back to where he started he empties the contents of his arms onto the couch. If he can't put it away at least he can sort it out to make it easier for Jessica to do later. He sits there putting it into distinguishable piles. Clean clothing, puked on clothing, creams, wipes and other [arse]orted weird looking baby care stuff and then his favorite; toys. Most of the items he has no idea what purpose they serve but the toys make sense, at least to him they do. Nick hasn't noticed the baby care about them much one way or another. The only thing he seems to be excited by is Jessica. Not that Nick doesn't understand that obsession, he definitely shares that one with him. He holds a small material frog that makes a crackling noise when handled up to his face. He wonders what it is inside that makes that weird noise. He smiles at the fact this could be more fun to play with than Jessica. Her warm soft supple body, verses an ugly looking green crackly thing, yeah tough decision there.
Jessica walks into the room and sees Nick sitting with a lap full of toys happily staring at a frog. "I'm so glad you're having fun" she says and walks into the kitchen "Meanwhile I'll do everything around here." What's with him and that stupid frog she wonders. If he expects her to sit through another in depth discussion about what it has inside it he's got another thing coming.
Nick mouths 'help me' at the frog then, pulling a face, throws it onto the toys pile and follows Jessica into the kitchen "I was tidying up."
"Oh I'm so sorry what with all the sitting around doing nothing I've been doing I hadn't noticed how productive you've been."
"That's not what I meant! I know you've..." he decides the fact she's now holding a fry pan would be a good indication he shouldn't aggravate her and lets his argument drop. The problem is, so far he hasn't noticed what he can do that doesn't aggravate her. "Can I do anything to help?"
"No"
"Is he asleep?"
"Yes"
"You sure there's nothing I can do?"
Nick is almost brought to his knees by Jessica's angry glare.
"Um ... ok ... well ... I'll just ... get changed then" he stammers. He pauses before leaving the room but her actions give no indication she's even heard him. He feels the irrational need to get her permission before he does anything tonight but realizes the ridiculousness of the urge and just leaves.
Picking up the jacket he'd left on the couch he decides to take the pile of laundry items too. Even he can work out where they belong. His tie and shirt are flung to the bed while he tries to form a 'combat cranky Jessica' strategy. It would help if he had an idea of the 'steer clear of' topics. He takes a sneak peek at the sleeping baby as he changes into sweats and a T. "Help me out here buddy" he whispers "give your mom a break tonight will ya"
Nick's annoyed with himself for coming home so late. He's missed out on the precious time he normally gets to spend with his son. Holding the baby and watching Jessica's enthralled face as he tells her all the latest courthouse gossip. Watching her bathe and feed the baby, cooing to him as she tells Nick what her activities have been. He loves the times she slips up and says something to him in her 'soothe the baby' voice. He finds that voice as sexy as hell. His coming home late meant he missed those parenting moments he so cherishes. They really bring home to him that he has a family, he's a father and he's never been happier.
Tonight he feels isolated. He feels like a bystander watching his life p[arse] him by. All he's seen since he came home is Jessica whisk their son away, hoarding him to her possessively. He's not angry at her but he is disappointed and a little afraid. He shakes his head, trying to rid it of any maudlin thoughts. He's overreacting, 'She's just had a bad day' he tells himself. 'One bad day does not a disaster make.'
He reaches out and caresses his son. Curling the wispy hair on his head around his fingers, tapping his button nose and insinuating his finger into the sleeping child's grasp. It always amazing him how strong that grasp is. It's just natural that he test it so he raises his hand a little and smiles when the fist refuses to let go. Having succeeded the first time he's compelled to do it again. An action he greatly regrets when the baby stirs then squawks. "Oh [bad word]" Nick mutters backing away. But too late. The baby's definitely awake and his unhappy cries bring his mother rushing into the room.
"What did you do?" She asks hovering over the cot.
"Nothing! I didn't do a thing!" Nick lies then quickly leaves the room sure his guilt will be obvious if he stays. In the kitchen he takes over preparing their meal, determined not to let anything burn. He can't afford to add to his list of sins tonight.
He's pleased to see it doesn't take Jessica too long to return to the kitchen. "Is he asleep?" he asks. She opens her mouth and the flash of her eyes warns him of another tirade. Instinctively he winces. He's not sure if that's what changed her mind or if she just decided he wasn't worth the effort but she doesn't say a word. She merely nods, sighs and wearily sits down. Keeping an eye on their dinner Nick sits too and reaches across the table for her hand. It's not that he's brave he just feels more comfortable keeping her hands free of implements.
"Bad day?" He asks hesitantly.
"No!" She snaps defensively and pulls her hands away.
"So it was good?" Nick sits silently waiting for her to offer something when she doesn't he tries again "so why was it good?"
"Well, Cacee came to visit for one thing."
"That would have been nice for you" he says encouragingly trying to downplay the delight he feels over the fact she's talking to him. He soon realizes the conversation is going to be like pulling teeth though. She's not going to offer him anything he hasn't worked for. Wondering how a visit from Cacee can have affected her mood he asks "It wasn't nice?"
"No, no, it was ... it's just ..." He can see her debating with herself whether to say anything or not. She's obviously reluctant to talk but in the end she does. Looking down at the table in an obvious attempt to avoid his eyes she says "she came while he was asleep and it was good to see her... It was great to see her ..." Again she pauses, reluctant to continue.
"But?" Nick says trying to draw it out of her. He's concerned she has an air of despondency about her and he doesn't know why.
She looks up and hurriedly says "But it meant that I didn't get anything done while Nicholas was sleeping and then ten minutes after she left he woke and you know how he gets at this time of night. It's useless to try and do anything when he's like that and .... and …"With the accusing look in her eyes she doesn't need to voice the 'and you weren't here' he hears it loud and clear anyway. Instead of continuing to speak she waves her hands around indicating the kitchen and the meal that's just started cooking even though it's long past time they ate.
"I'm sorry I was late" Nick says.
She looks back at the table without responding.
He reaches out to take her hand again. She reluctantly allows his touch. Giving them a gentle squeeze he says "Well tomorrow's Saturday and I'll be ..." Her hands immediately pull away.
"Yeah, yeah, I know you'll be here to fix everything." She says angrily then seems genuinely surprised by the vehemence of her own tone. Standing she hurriedly states "I'm not hungry, I'm going to have a bath."
"But Jessica you need to....." She's gone before Nick can say eat.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Leaning back in the bath Jessica tries to allow all her tension and anxiety to wash away. Unfortunately, the bath water circulates sending it all back upon her, wave after wave. The tears of frustration and despair fall unabated now she's alone. She's never felt so lost, so useless as she does now. She's always succeeded before, always been able to believe in herself, no matter what, but not now. Nothing she does is right any more.
It's not like she was foolish enough to believe being a mother was going to be easy. She knew it would be hard but she never thought it would be this oppressive. She never expected it to make her feel so alone. Wasn't it supposed to complete her, fulfill her? What is it she's doing wrong that's stopping this from happening? She's tired of asking herself that. She's frustrated by her failure and knows she's taking this out on the person she really should be turning to. She doesn't know why she's acting this way with Nick but she can't seem to stop herself. Everything he does annoys her and as much as she wants him close when he is she feels smothered, she feels patronized, like he's only there to 'pat the good mommy on the head.'
Jessica doesn't recognize the person she's become and Nick doesn't seem to know her either. He treats her differently. He tip toes around her as if afraid and she doesn't remember the last time she talked to him. She doesn't feel as if she's spoken to anyone since the baby was born, not really talked anyway. Oh there have been endless conversations about how big he's gotten, how cute he is, isn't this wonderful, isn't he sweet, isn't she lucky but it's not sweet, it's not wonderful and somewhere in all of that baby talk she's lost and can't get out.
She's lost sight of who she is and is terrified sooner or later everyone will realize Jessica isn't there any more. This new person, she doesn't even like her much. What will happen when Nick sees her? When he realizes his Jessica is gone. Is he going to hate who she's become too?
A sound on the other side of the door alerts Jessica to Nick's presence. She splashes water over her face trying to disguise the fact she's been crying in case he comes in. She desperately hopes he'll see the closed door as a sign she doesn't want him near. She's fought for so long not to let him see her like this. When he knocks quietly and calls her name she almost sobs for joy that he's too afraid to enter, until she remembers the old Nick wouldn't have thought about it for a second. She's losing him. All his actions say it's so. It's just a matter of when. She's losing him a little more each day but just doesn't have the will to do anything about it.
It's not that she wants it to happen it's just, why fight the inevitable? There is little left that she does have the will for. Energy is too scarce to be wasted. Thought a commodity no longer required. Her days comprise a mind numbing routine, feed, clothe, clean, feed, clean, feed, clean and somewhere in all of that hold her life, marriage and sanity together. Something's got to give and the only thing she knows for sure is it isn't going to be the baby.
"Jessica I brought you something to eat" Nick says after getting no response to his knock.
"I'm not hungry" Jessica replies quietly. Hoping to hide the sorrow in her tone.
"It's just a sandwich. You need to eat something."
Got to keep your strength up, Little Nicholas needs you, do it for the home team, your body doesn't belong to you any more, it doesn't matter what you think or what you want, you have a duty. He doesn't have to say the words, it's a mantra she's been telling herself all week.
"I'll be out in a minute" she says on a resigned sigh. 'Yes Little Nicholas's mommy will be reporting for duty' she thinks. 'Yes sir, no sir, I'll eat when I'm told sir, self pity be damned.'
"I can bring it in to you…"
"I said I'll be out in a minute" Jessica the fighter snaps back into place surprising even herself. She doesn't hear another word from Nick. She can just imagine him dropping the plate and running. Sooner or later he's not going to stop at the door. He's going to run right out of her life and she'll only have herself to blame. Goodbye, good riddance, nice knowing you, have a nice life.
Twenty minutes later and after another good cry Jessica leaves the bathroom. She curls on her bed watching her sleeping son as she eats the meal Nick prepared for her. It's like eating cardboard the amount of pleasure she gets from it. If questioned she couldn't even say what it was. It doesn't matter. Her son relies on her for his strength, she'll deny him nothing. She watches him sleeping so peacefully. He looks angelic, his hands, curled, resting under his chin, his lips, puckered, emitting whispery breaths. She loves him, with all her heart, this she knows. Being without him is not an option. She just wishes she could find herself so she could enjoy this precious time with him.
Finishing her meal she reluctantly rises and takes the plate to the kitchen. Nick is sitting silently at the table, a plate with crumbs in front of him too. She doesn't know what happened to the meal she was once so intent on preparing, and really, no longer cares. He looks at her with a hopeful but scared look in his eyes. She just can't deal with him right now and avoiding his eyes takes his plate and thanks him for her own meal. Dishes, that she can do, that she can make right, it's just everything else that's falling apart.
She turns to leave and is almost out of the room before she remembers to say "Goodnight." She feels more than hears his sigh as she leaves. The tears rise at the thought of his relief to be rid of her. The bed is warm when she climbs back in and she hopes it will infuse her so she doesn't feel so cold. Alone, lost and cold.
Waking as Nick enters the bedroom Jessica sees him trying hard not to make a sound. She hides the fact she has woken not wanting to speak but when he leaves the room she feels his loss. She's not angry any more she's just terribly scared. He's so far away right now and worst of all she knows that's because that's where she has put him. She needs to feel a connection with him, she needs to feel safe, anchored, if not whole. His pillow, which she'd clung to in sleep, offers no comfort now. She rises and slowly walks towards him hoping she won't be turned away.
Nick, brushing his teeth in preparation for bed, doesn't hear Jessica come into the bathroom. He has no idea he's being watched. His first hint of her presence is her hands running across his back. The initial contact causes him to tense up, memories of the fire in her eyes warning him of an impending attack, until he feels her soft smooth strokes and relaxes into it. He hears the apology and need in the tenderness of her caress. Looking over his shoulder he smiles at her as best he can with a mouth full of foam and a toothbrush. Telling her all is understood and forgiven.
When he turns back to the sink to spit, her hands move along his waist and her arms wrap around him, holding him securely. She rests her head against his back. The running water drowns out her sigh but he feels it. He knows how much she hates losing control and how much she is beating herself up for having taken it out on him. He's willing to take anything she needs to dish out especially if he's rewarded by her affection later.
With his mouth now free he asks "You ok?" He feels her head move against his skin and can only hope it's a nod in the affirmative. "I'll be finished in a minute" he says but gets no reply or reaction so he continues brushing with Jessica now attached to him like a barnacle.
When Nick's finished, he takes hold of Jessica's hands, loosening their grip on him and turns around to face her. "You here to perform an inspection?" he asks and she looks up at him confused. He bares his teeth at her and she gives him a pleased grin. She reaches up on tippee toes placing a soft kiss to his mouth before pulling away. He snakes his arm around her waist and draws her back close. Moving his mouth towards hers, he says "After all the effort I put in that's all I get?" She smiles and kisses him more thoroughly. Her mouth truly investigating his. He's always admired her for her thoroughness.
This time when they part Nick whispers "Lets get you into bed" and feels Jessica's body immediately tense against his. He suspects she's misread his meaning but doesn't know how or if he should clarify. For people who deal in words as a living they have a bizarre inability to use them with each other. Luckily though, their bodies are quite articulate. Their touch, their smiles expressing their sentiment in place of words. Taking her hand he leads her to their bed. First, he turns the covers down then he guides her in. He leans over and places a kiss to her forehead before saying "You need sleep."
Jessica smiles up at him. Nick sees the relief on her face as she draws his down for one more soft kiss before letting him finish tucking her in. Curled on her side with one hand on the pillow his head will soon occupy, she watches him go through his nightly routine. When he leaves the room to check on the lights and locks, she rolls to her other side and looks over at the baby. He's still sleeping peacefully, perfectly content with a dry bottom and a full stomach. His little mouth twitching and making an occasional smacking noise.
Nick pads back into the room and over to the cot for the final step in his ritual. Every night he stands there, stealing one last amazed look at his son. His eyes lift to Jessica's and she doesn't need to hear his voice to know he is saying to her "Wow, we did this!" He looks down at his son again. Some nights as he looks at him Nick is overwhelmed by such a sense of adoration he has to reach out and touch him. She wonders if it's Nick's way of ensuring the baby's real and not just a dream. Tonight though he just looks. This week the baby has been colicky and restless so the last thing Nick wants is to disturb him while he's peaceful. He absent-mindedly strokes the top of the cot, his fingers desperate to portray their love, the wood though is a poor substitute to the soft warmth of his child.
Nick turns and walks to his side of the bed. Jessica rolls onto her back and turns her head watching his movements. After climbing in he leans over and kisses her cheek "Goodnight" he whispers. He's pulling away when he sees something in her expression that concerns him. Her behavior the last few days has been erratic at best but he's just put it down to exhaustion. They've both been suffering from the riggers of constantly interrupted sleep. The haunted look in her eyes now suggests there is more to it but he has no idea what it could be.
"You OK?" he asks running his thumb across her cheek. Jessica's eyes close as she nods. Nick knows she's avoiding voicing what would be a lie. When her eyes open again they tell him the truth.
"Jess what is it?" he asks imploringly.
"Just hold me" she whispers, her voice barely strong enough to finish the plea.
Nick can see the desperation in her eyes. He's concerned, his first instinct is to beg her to speak to him, to give him a chance to fix whatever is wrong, but he doesn't. It's obvious Jessica needs rest more than she needs a potentially emotional discussion. He doubts even if he were to push the issue he'd get rational thoughts from her now. Her behavior has left him spinning, from her anger and isolation earlier to her desperate need for contact now, he's been 5 steps behind her game all night. He has no idea what she'll do next. He's not even sure she does. She's on edge, precariously, he can see that much and the last thing he wants is to push her over. Knowing she prefers to fall asleep with the baby in her line of sight Nick nods and motions for her to change position.
Jessica rolls onto her side, stealing the last precious glimpses of her son for the night as she listens to her husband shuffling in the bed behind her. The lamp clicks and she's in darkness, alone, cut off from everything she holds precious. A tear forms and falls, quickly followed by another. She'd try to stop them but fears alerting Nick to their presence. Soon his long warm body presses up behind her, cradling her completely, legs and arms encircling hers. She sinks into his body. Shifting back until she feels some of her emptiness drain away. She needs his touch, his warmth, his breath whistling past her ear, tickling her cheek. She reaches for his hand and holds it clasped between hers like a lifeline. "Love you" she hears him whisper as warm lips press against her shoulder. She closes her eyes tight listening to the sounds of her family breathing. She fights to hold back her tears hoping sleep will chase her fears away.
Nick meanwhile holds her firm in his embrace, offering his strength and love, hoping she'll draw from them the comfort she needs. He knows Jessica's fighting tears, he's slept with her long enough to know her different moves and sounds. He's hoping whatever sleep she can manage to get tonight will be enough to give her the strength to face him tomorrow and bare her sorrows. His concern is not enough to override his exhaustion. After a long hard day having Jessica in his arms, her warmth and her scent nearby, is enough to lull him quickly. They comfort him and permeate his thoughts, even in sleep.
When he's woken, hours later, by the cries of his son, he knows only that he was interrupted while dreaming of her. The details slip away before he has time to process them but he remembers she was smiling. He can feel her squirming trying to get free of his tight hold but he doesn't want to let her go. It's been so long since she's let him hold her like this and he knows once she gets up it will all be about the baby again. He wants to feel her close, he wants to be included, he's tired of being relegated to watching from the sidelines.
"Nick!" Jessica says exasperated, she wants to get to the baby before he gets himself too worked up.
"I'll get him and bring him over" Nick says and starts to move.
"It's ok I can do it" Jessica argues also rising.
Putting a hand on her to stop her Nick says "No, stay there."
"It's easier if…" Jessica begins to argue.
Nick caresses her shoulder, staring at her he pleads "Please ... stay!"
Knowing she has two options, giving in now and letting him get the baby or arguing and allowing the baby to cry until he becomes distressed, Jessica chooses giving in. Like father like son, when they want something, they won't stop asking until they get it. "Fine" she says and begins arranging pillows to support herself as he triumphantly climbs out of bed.
At night, especially when the baby's fussy, Jessica tends to feed him in the rocking chair so as not to disturb Nick's sleep more than necessary. Little does she know most nights he lays there secretly watching her, treasuring the image of mother and son staring adoringly at each other. Tonight he doesn't want pretense. He wants her to know he isn't disturbed by her feeding, he's delighted. Or, at least as delighted as it's possible for a man woken at 4 a.m. As much as he loves falling back to sleep watching his family and listening to his wife's soft coos to their son, tonight he wants more.
Sitting alone in the kitchen earlier he decided he was no longer going to allow himself to be left out. He's tired of feeling excluded. It's hard enough being away from them all day he doesn't want to waste what time they do have together. He's not quite sure when or how it happened, if it's deliberate or just the way things are, he just knows he doesn't like it. When they first brought the baby home they did everything together. Every feeding, every changing, every moment they marveled over. But lately he's sensed a distance developing between them, that even when together they are apart. A few heavy cases, a break in his routine and he finds his family's moved on without him. For the first time in his life he resents the firm and the demands it makes on his time.
Nick lifts their squawking son and brings him up to rest against his shoulder before releasing a squawk of his own.
"What's wrong?" Jessica asks alarmed.
Holding him out in front and screwing his face up in disgust Nick says "Tell me again why we feed him when this is the result."
Jessica smiles and makes a move to get out of bed again.
"Stay! It's ok, I'll do it."
She doesn't put up too much of an argument, it's about time he got a really good diaper to change. Nick's too busy trying to keep his nose out of the line of fire and his eyes on the job he's doing to notice when Jessica moves. He's just finished redressing the baby when he feels her by his side. Nick sees her hands reaching for the baby and quickly scoops him up before she can.
Jessica walks to the rocking chair, sits and holds her arms out saying "Thanks. I'll take it from here."
Nick ignores her and walks back over to the bed. Rocking the baby gently, he stands waiting for her to join them there. There are times when Jessica finds his dogged determination admirable and then there are moments like tonight when she sees him as just pig headed.
Sighing dramatically she rises and climbs back into bed. She refuses to look up and see his smug grin, choosing instead to make a production of rearranging the pillows. 'It's just a damn feeding,' she thinks, 'you try doing it all day every day and tell me you want to make a big deal out of it at 4 in the morning.' When she's ready she again reaches out for her son.
Nick p[arse]es him down saying "If the way he latched onto my neck is any indication he's hungry."
Jessica whispers to the child as he begins to feed "I don't know why your silly daddy bothered buying that chair when he won't let us use it."
Nick chuckles, she can say whatever she wants he got his wish and he's happy. He climbs onto the bed and settles himself against her; almost curled around her body. He insinuates one arm behind her jostling her as he goes. He rests his head on her shoulder, one leg across her lap and a hand gently stroking his son's head. "Don't listen to your Mommy" he says "us men have got to stick together."
Jessica gives a half amused huff and Nick presses a kiss to the base of her neck "This is better than sitting over there by yourself right?"
She thinks about it. It does have its good points she concedes. "I've been in worse situations" she replies.
"Oh boy she's going to make me work for it" he tells his son who has no interest in his father right now.
Nick cuddles in closer making Jessica wonder if she's going to end up with both of them in her lap. Nick's a blessing and a curse. His presence right now is restricting and a little too much physically but emotionally she's needed this, she's wanted to feel him near, to feel less alone. She allows herself to relax against him. His arm crosses her body and his hand comes to rest on hers as she plays with her son's tiny yet long fingers. She looks down at the three entangled hands and tries to commit this picture to memory.
As she watches the baby feed, and feels her body give him sustenance, she forgets that it's four in the morning. It's in the tiny moments like this that she finds joy. Although when woken at an ungodly hour she drags herself grumbling from bed, once the baby's feeding, resting contentedly against her breast, there is no place else she'd rather be. Their bond is strong, unbreakable. Her eyes travel to Nick's face expecting to see him doting attention on their son but it's her he's looking at. She's almost afraid to hope the love and admiration she sees in his eyes is real. They are too powerful to look at so with a soft smile she turns again to the baby.
Sooner than she'd hoped the baby becomes distracted refusing to continue to feed. Jessica knows there is no way he's had his fill and wants him to have more now rather than wake her again shortly with an empty tummy but, as with his father, when he has other ideas there is no way of swaying him. No amount of gentle pleading or encouragement has an effect. He's beginning to become cranky with her persistence and she's becoming frustrated by his refusals. It's a battle of wills she knows she's going to lose and she hates that Nick is about to see her fail. The one thing she could always rely on doing right is feeding the baby. From day one he's been a hungry eater but now, when she most needs to feel capable, he won't even do that. So much for their unbreakable bond she feels as if it's now shattering before her eyes.
Nick's hovering only further serves to aggravate her. It's a change in the baby's routine and she'd like to be able to blame his inattention on that. She shouldn't have given in to him. She should have fed the baby in the chair as he's used to. She pushes Nick away. Her whole body tensing with his every move to soothe her. His offered platitudes and advice feel like further proof not even he thinks she knows what she's doing. His words grate on her. She deals with this every day what makes him think he knows better.
"Try the other side." She hears, and it's the final straw. Jessica lets out all her frustrations in a long anguished "Nick!"
He replies to her outcry with a look, challenging her to prove him wrong. Mumbling to herself about stubborn males she groans "Fine!" if only to shut him up once and for all she'll do it. When she switches the baby over, he immediately latches on and is suddenly intent on feeding again. Jessica looks down at him with a mixture of shock and horror. She looks up at Nick for an explanation.
Chuckling he says "He's just like his old man."
Confusion overriding her annoyance Jessica's eyebrow raises quizzically. He shrugs and confesses "It's my favorite too."
"Nick!" She says astonished and looks down at the baby. She can feel the color rising in her cheeks and wonders at the irrationality of allowing that to embarr[arse] her. Is it so long since she's felt like a desirable woman that she doesn't know how to react to it anymore?
"Well, it is" Nick whispers into her ear and then rests his head on her shoulder again.
Quietly they listen to the sound of the baby happily and contentedly feeding. Then Jessica sighs and asks "Ok why that one?"
"183!" Nick answers grinning. Jessica just looks at him as if he is insane. "183 heartbeats before you asked the question" he explains.
"You counted?"
"Yeah it would have been too obvious if I'd gone for the stopwatch."
Jessica rolls her eyes at him and goes back to watching the baby. She's glad Nick's normally asleep when she's doing this if this is what he's like at this time of night. At four in the morning she just doesn't have the mental capacity or stamina to keep up with him. She keeps mulling over what he's said though and can't help herself when she turns to him and says "you don't even own a stopwatch."
"I do too!" he [arse]uredly replies.
She's silent again as she watches the baby then comments "Almost two years I've lived here Nick and I've never once seen a stopwatch."
Sighing dramatically he gets out of bed and leaves the room. The baby has finished feeding and is being burped before Nick finally returns smugly brandishing a stopwatch.
"You probably stole it from a neighbor you've certainly been gone long enough" Jessica declares unwilling to admit defeat yet.
Nick doesn't reply, just stands there grinning at her, swaying the watch gently, teasingly.
"Besides you still haven't answered my question" she says challengingly.
He puts on a mock horrified face and covering the baby's ears says "Not in front of Little Nicholas" who chooses that exact moment to let out a terrific burp.
"He's just like his daddy" Jessica teases to Nick's delight.
Climbing back into bed he watches Jessica tenderly rocking and humming to their sleepy son. Nick's hand reaches out and softly strokes the baby's cheek. The baby's eyes open when contact is made then slowly close again. Jessica looks at Nick and sees his love and devotion for their son reflected in his gaze. Mixed in with that though she sees a sad longing. When his eyes raise to hers she sees a hint of, she's not sure but she thinks it's envy.
She thinks back over the events of the night and realizes the only time Nick's held the baby was earlier when he changed his diaper. She wonders if his need to share this feeding with her was out of desperation to spend some time with his son. "Would you like to?" she offers him indicating the peaceful baby. Tears almost fall again as she sees the immediate delight on her husband's face.
Jessica hands the baby over and watches Nick raise him to his face enthusiastically. He kisses him saying reverently "Hey there buddy." Large wise eyes stare into his drawing a smile from the proud father. Watching them exchange Eskimo kisses Jessica smiles at the beauty of her family. Nick grins at her as he pulls faces trying to elicit a smile from his son.
"Unless you want to wear his dinner don't shake him around too much" Jessica warns wiping a spit bubble from the baby's mouth. She rests her head on Nick's shoulder and reaching for the baby's hand whispers "and sleep is our goal now."
Nick nods, he cradles his son on his arm and tries to soothe him to sleep. He regales him with tales untrue. Heroics of their adventures together as manly men. The baby's eyes open wide as if awed by his father, then slowly droop. Each blink taking longer and longer to end. Jessica watching on is amazed, as always, at how natural Nick is with the baby. For someone with no previous experience he takes it all in his stride. Not only does her son have his father's eyes but he also has his heart.
Nick's normally cautious and reserved manner is lost when he's with the baby. He dotes on his son with a relaxed ease that she admires. He doesn't seem to be plagued with the insecurities she is. She has no doubt that her son knows and loves his father. His feelings for his mother she's not too sure of. He needs her, she knows that much. Watching them together is a mix of pain and pleasure. It's too much for hr right now and needing to get away she slowly rises from the bed.
"Where are you going?" Nick asks disappointed at losing her contact.
"Uh … bathroom."
Satisfied, Nick's attention returns to his son.
Meanwhile, Jessica hides out feeling like an intruder. The ogre who in a fit of hormonal angst brought on by her own inadequacy kept father and son apart. She didn't mean to do it but so much of her life is just habit now. She methodically follows a routine dictated by the smallest member of the family and sometimes forgets to account for Nick for during the time he's actually there. Jessica remembers the look on Nick's face when she found him in the kitchen and if she's honest with herself she knows exactly what it was; loneliness. What happened to the togetherness of being a family? How has it ended up making them both feel more alone?
When Jessica returns to the bedroom she finds her men asleep. Father and son snuggled together. Nick's hand, resting on the diapered bottom sticking up high in the air, holds the snoring baby to his steadily rising chest. She wonders who put who to sleep first. Seeing Nick's camera, which has been working overtime of late, she takes a photo knowing this is a moment to be cherished. It will be a nice surprise for him when he gets the film developed. Neither reacts to the camera's noise or flash, they are deep in sleep. Jessica briefly wonders if she features in their dreams.
Climbing back into bed she curls up next to them and watches the two people she holds most precious sleep; the two people she most fears disappointing. After brushing a lock of Nick's hair off his face her hand joins his on their son's diapered bottom. When she too begins to succumb to the soothing sounds of Nick's breathing she forces herself to rise and return the baby to his cot.
Switching off the lamp she climbs into bed and allows her head to take the baby's place on Nick's chest. Her arm draped across him, her hand resting on his shoulder. His hand finds it's way to the back of her head and cups it as he had done their son. Jessica allows his warmth, sound and smell to lull her tired mind into sleep. Another day is over and a new one will soon begin. She's made plans for that new day. Plans that she hopes will help her find not only herself, but Nick.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick walks into the kitchen and sees Jessica sitting at the table, nibbling on a piece of toast while the baby sleeps in a b[arse]inet beside her.
"Morning beautiful" he whispers kissing her hair, one hand resting on her shoulder while the other strokes the baby's face. "How's he been today?"
"He's been good. He slept between feedings."
Nick enacts a silent cheer and Jessica smiles at his goofy antics. "Maybe he's teething" he says pleased with himself "I've heard they can be pretty crabby when that happens."
"Teething" Jessica laughs "Nick he's 7 weeks old"
"So?"
"So he's a long way from teething."
"Oh, I just remember whenever Jeff looked like hell it was because Alyssa was teething."
Jessica looks at Nick who is looking rested and fresh, 'obviously' she thinks 'it's me he considers looks like hell.'
"So that's where all your 'expert' information comes from?" she says as the smile falls from her face.
Nick grins "Yeah none of that book learning crap for me. I read enough books in law school to last me a lifetime." He looks at the baby and leans in until he gets a good sniff of the sweet newborn smell. Looking up his grin widens as he says "Maybe he's just advanced like his old man." Rocking the b[arse]inet he proudly states "I p[arse]ed on some good genes, didn't I boy?"
Jessica, shaking her head, smiles, then states decidedly, "He's not teething."
"Oh well that was the extent of my expertise." Nick walks over to make some coffee so misses the crestfallen expression on her face when he says, "So I guess this means you're on your own."
He has no idea he's just voiced Jessica's greatest fear. His offhand quip puts into words the isolation she's been struggling with lately. The loneliness she fears is going to escalate until she is stranded completely in this strange, remote, robotic life. When Nick gets back to the table he sits on the chair next to her but she doesn't look at him. Suddenly she's fascinated with the crumbs on her plate. He wonders where her smile went to. It had made such a brief but promising appearance earlier, what made it go away?
"Jessica?" he asks gently reaching out and clutching her hand "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry about last night" her answer is so quiet he almost doesn't hear it.
He knows how much she hates it when they fight. She dwells on it afterwards, berating herself for losing control. Whereas he'd rather just forget it and move on, she worries over it and cannot let it go until they've talked it through. She needs resolution not occlusion. He brings her hand to his mouth pressing a soft kiss to her palm. "Hey don't worry about it, you were just tired, I understand."
"Tired" she mouths, turning away from him, shaking her head in disbelief. Her hand leaves his and wraps itself around her gl[arse] of juice barely resisting the urge to pick it up and hit him with it. If only it were just a matter of being tired. It's way beyond that now. Lack of sleep is... well it's the least of her worries and she's sick to death of being patted on the head and told 'there's a good girl, everything's ok, you're just tired.' Tired is how she felt four weeks ago back when Nick was of some [arse]istance. Back before he just started making his 'fly by cure all' appearances in her life.
Nick feels the tension burn in her but doesn't know what he's said wrong this time. "Jessica?" he asks trying to get her attention but she doesn't answer him. He sees how tight her grip is on the gl[arse] of juice, her knuckles white and straining under the pressure. He takes hold of her wrist refusing to let go when she tries to pull away, ignoring the flash of anger on her face at his audacity, he implores "Jessica talk to me!"
Through clenched teeth she venomously says "We can't all be like you Nick. We can't all just ... just ... jump from one situation to another in the blink of an eye. From day one it was like you'd done it all before, no h[arse]les, nothing. It's all so rosy, so wonderful for you isn't it?"
His face reflects his changing emotions finally settling on confusion. "Jessica what are you talking about?"
"What do you think I'm talking about Nick? What do I do all day long? What is the only thing I do anymore? God Nick, what else would I be talking about but ..." she loses momentum as her eyes travel to her sleeping son. Her hands stop waving in frustration and drop to her side "I'm talking about the baby" she finishes on a sigh, hating herself for feeling anything but joy when she looks at him.
Nick tries to remember what her first outburst was and then understand how that relates to the baby but he can't make any sense of it. "What are you trying to say exactly?"
Jessica stands up saying "See I can't even talk to you anymore" she walks to the sink practically throwing her dishes into it.
"Can't you at least try" Nick asks totally lost.
Jessica spins around and furiously says "What do you think I've been doing? That's all I do! That's all I can do, all day everyday I try to get it right but lets face it, I ... I'm no good at this. I just can't do it!"
"You can't do what?" Nick asks nervously.
"Be a mother. I can't do it. I'm no good at it."
"Jessica you've got to be kidding!" Nick says astonished. "You are good at it ... you're a great mom."
"I'm not I'm a terrible mother. I'm ... I'm terrible. I have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing I try works, I just don't have the instincts, I'm hopeless!"
"Jessica!" he implores as he stands and starts to walk towards her but she backs away.
"No I am hopeless I am. You're not here you don't see. I just can't do it. I'm no good at it. I'm afraid of him. Some days I hear him cry and I just want to run. There's nothing I can do there's no way I can stop him and it gets to the stage where I just can't take it anymore. I try everything but it's no use and I just want him to stop. I can't help him, he needs someone who knows what they're doing, not me. I do everything they tell you to but it doesn't work. I'm not a good mother. I can't do this. He deserves better than me."
Jessica's crying openly now and Nick's heart breaks watching her crumble. Again he steps towards her, arms wide open, he says "Jessica that's not true!"
Before he can touch her she pushes away from him, her hand raised to stop him following her, she cries "No, no, no, no"
He can see his attempt to physically reach out is only upsetting her further so he backs off. She won't take the comfort of his arms which means he's forced to verbalize his feelings. Something he's promised her he'll do but still struggles with everyday. It's not something he's wont to do, he's not even confident he knows how but today he has to try. The alternative is to watch the woman he loves cry and chastise herself over an opinion he knows is wrong. He'll change the habit of a lifetime in the hope of changing her mind and chasing her tears away.
"Jessica you're a wonderful mother. Ask anyone..."
"What would they know Nick!" she snaps interrupting him "Are they here? Do they see me? What would you know! I'm the one who knows. I'm the one here every minute. 'I' know ... I'm awful."
"No you're not! Jessica you're doing great."
"Saying it won't make it so Nick. You have no idea! You don't know!" she turns so her back is facing him now. He watches the fight leave her body, the devastation of what she's admitted hitting her and hears her dejected "I know!" as sobs wrack her.
Nick sees the admission tear her apart. Her spirit broken by the strength of her belief. He wants to take her in his arms, to take the pain from her but knows she won't accept this. She needs to vent, she needs to release and work through her pent up emotions even if it hurts to do so. He knows how hard it is for Jessica to admit any weakness so to have spoken so scathingly about herself she must be in a desperate desolate place inside. These feelings must have been growing in magnitude for quite some time.
He had no idea she was feeling inadequate, never saw a hint she wasn't coping. To him she looked so beautiful and capable with their son in her arms. A sight he was always proud to see. Work may have taken him out of the house more than he would have liked but he has been around enough to know she is a wonderful mother. He has to be able to make her believe this.
Nick looks over at his son who is sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the torment in the room. His son is all the proof he needs of Jessica's capabilities but he knows to convince her he'll need more.
He needs to change her mind and with Jessica that's almost impossible to do. She's not going to just take his word for it. Gentle words and re[arse]urances will be like water off a duck's back to her. She'll think he's just patronizing her, offering her support, trying to encourage her in the hopes she'll one day learn to overcome her inability. She'll see that she needs him to bolster her confidence as another weakness. Re[arse]urance won't work, he needs to bring out her fighting spirit; the determination to succeed he's always admired in her. He knows with this intact she won't give up, she'll fight until she's conquered every fear. It hits home to him now how long it is since he has seen this determined woman. In truth it has been a long time since he's taken the time to really look at her. His life has been focused on two things lately, work and the baby. In his distraction he hasn't noticed her slipping away..
He's angry with himself for having failed to notice her struggling. He's angry he's going to hurt her further now but feels forced to resort to the only tactic he feels confident will work. Although a time honored method he excels at, he's not used to using it on someone he loves, but it's the only option he sees in this situation. He plans to treat Jessica like a hostile witness. He'll poke holes in her story until he breaks her and she concedes she is wrong.
He's never done this to her before, he doesn't like doing it now but faced with the alternative of allowing her to lose faith in herself, he doesn't see that he has much of a choice. He chants to himself trite phrases such as 'tough love' and 'got to be cruel to be kind' to remind him why he's doing this.
Having brought her tears under control Jessica looks over at him. Nick can tell she believes he's been convinced. If it weren't for the desolation on her face he's sure he'd back down. But he knows somewhere behind that fear is the real Jessica trying to resurface. He'll do whatever it takes to help her find her way back. He starts with a quiet concerned tone.
"What makes you a bad mother?"
Her reply is just as quiet "I can't do it"
"Can't or won't?"
"Can't! I'm doing it, I just don't get it right."
"So you think you're a bad mother?"
"I don't think it I 'know' I am."
He takes a step forward, she looks up ready for his next question. His tone becomes firmer, more accusing.
"Why are you bad? Are you neglecting him?"
She looks at him horrified and spits back "Of course not!"
"How many feedings have you missed?"
"None! How could I? He cries when he's hungry."
"So you feed him when he's hungry?"
"Yes"
"Change his diaper?"
"Yes"
"Clothe him and bathe him?"
She looks away having lost interest in this line of questioning.
"Do you comfort him when he cries"
He sees her face fall and guesses this is what scares her "I try to" she says.
"You try to?"
"Yes but there are days when it doesn't matter what I do he just won't stop."
"But you do everything you can, day or night, to keep him happy and healthy?"
"It doesn't always work."
"Do you resent him for that?"
"What? No!"
"So you resent him for keeping you at home, away from friends, maybe even from work?"
"I don't resent him. I never said I resented him."
"So you don't resent him?"
"Of course not!"
"And you're doing everything in your power to care from him?"
&q